The Loneliness of Men
Growing up I was certainly a sensitive boy; everyone said so. I had supportive parents to go to when I had to cry. I had teachers who cared how I did and supported me. I had both male and female friends. I felt seen and heard, like if I disappeared there would be a piece of my community missing in the shape of me.
As I went to university, this largely changed. It's difficult to put any of these in order or pinpoint when exactly they happened. Alas, here are broadly some observations I've made regarding my metamorphosis into a 'man'.
The Creep
As a someone who courted then dated the same girl more or less since high school, women's change in attitude towards me largely went unnoticed until this relationship ended. What I hadn't realized is that between high-school and university I had become a creep. I experienced several rejections where my desires to seek friendships with women after breaking up was met with cold rejection, ignoring shoulders, and a general unwillingness to reciprocate effort. What I eventually learned is that 20-some women are constantly bombarded by men who shower attention on them, support them, and listen to them. It makes a lot of sense for these women to eventually stop trying to actively reciprocate - to text first, to check in on, to support, and the rest - for they are being chased anyways. Additionally, doing so signals to men who never receive this sort of attention that the woman is interested in them; after all, none of their female friends ever did that. (This doesn't mention how the bar of trust/closeness to engage in emotional vulnerability in inter-female relationships seems so much lower than any relationship a man might have, so she may yet easily attain more emotional support, and thus not need to pursue it.)
Unfortunately, women getting chased all of the time means that they persistently have a radar on: a creep radar. What I now learned is that being openly interested in a woman, for who she is and even in just looking for a friend, is now easily interpreted as being a creep. Texting a woman twice before she responds, asking her again to get coffee as when you asked the first time she said she already had plans (and so now naturally you're trying to find another time that works - except, as I came to learn "take the hint"). The hint: I'm not interested; if you don't get that, you're a creep.
What's difficult is to distinguish between women who like you but just aren't trying because they don't need to actively reciprocate to get support and those who don't want to see you anymore.
The Entertainer. The Rock. The breadwinner.
Moving beyond the world of inter-gender friendships is the dating world. Entering newly as a 22 year old, I began to feel expectations. "Hey" as a first text is a none starter; you have to come off as interesting. Follow up with things that make her laugh, don't try to get to know her in earnest first. She has 99+ potential matches in the last 24 hours. You have one in the same time. You need to catch her attention, be interesting, entertain her. You are a tool for her pleasure - because if it's not you, some one else will be. This isn't at all about you or your qualities; that you have certain interests your passionate about, that there are subjects you love to debate, that you love some sport in common. It is about your ability to entertain and please. Let it be said, the same reason many women on tinder get an ego boost - the showering praise, attention, plentiful suitors - is why men experience an ego dearth.
Perhaps, yet, a girl is now interested in you. Now is the time for you to check some boxes before you can move on to being seriously eligible to court her; that is, as historically there have been gendered expectations of women (which have been rightfully rebuked in the last half-century, even as yet they persist), there have also been gendered expectations of men. However, the dating world seems to find many of those less problematic, and many seem to still hold water amongst many women.
Amongst these, specifically, include, the man having a passion, and better a lucrative one. That the man has his career charted (even as many of the women are very unsure of their own career path). That the man be emotionally stable, mature, and willing to support (even as many women do not implicitly need to have the ability (or desire) to emotionally support the man).
I would confess that many of these traits are good in a partner. Indeed, many I want in a woman. The difference lies in that it is not an expectation for a woman. Subsequently, that these traits are not desired in men because they make him more compatible with her or highlight his personality - it is not about him. The problem is the attitude that these traits are good because they better serve the woman and her interests - that the man exists to serve: To entertain, to be her rock, to be a breadwinner.
The Secure yet Sensitive Expectation
Perhaps now you have entered a friendship with a woman - now you may find the secure-yet-sensitive expectation. You must be secure in yourself, sure of yourself, be their rock, support them, and be emotionally available and competent (sensitive). However, you, like me, may find yourself accustomed to supporting and always being there for them, but find she does not know how to do that for you; alas, perhaps she never had to before, as all her previous engagement with men were one sided - she never had to try before. Whatever the reason, what seems to resonate with many men is the loneliness and lacking of deep, supportive friendships. (Male relationships addressed in a moment)
The Fear to Share your Feelings
I remember growing up not understanding why it was that so many men I saw appeared aloof and guarded. I propose now that this may come from a fear of sharing their feelings.
I started feeling this when I began to feel like none of my peers cared about me. This felt especially true for any of my female friends. Although I existed in the world, it felt no one cared that I was there. No longer did any one reach out to me. No longer was I invited to events. The reality I came faced with was that if I did not send a text, I would not receive one. If I did not invite someone to get coffee or go to dinner, then neither would happen. In such a position of not feeling cared for grew the feeling of an expectation to be content and humorous; for not doing so would lower your chance of being able to see that person again at all. That they join the crowd of people who are always to busy to see you.
What about the male friendships: the "bromance". Amongst these relationships grew the problem of expression. Increasingly these friendships became 'side-by-side'. Friendships where the support afforded was expressed not by talking emotions but by doing something. Friendships where perhaps you may silently sit next to each other in a sauna or where vulnerable moments are quickly extinguished with a joke. Friendships where you work on a project and share in that you both are stressed, but where the conversation steers away from vulnerability and love.
Simply put, with either gender, the relationships I found myself able to create were not ones of a shoulder to cry on.
The Relationship Solution
I ought to recognize the solution many men find themselves turning to for this shoulder - their significant others. Indeed, my last period of true happiness was importantly marked by a relationship and a person I loved and trusted. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this should be the last phase outlined here - the golden ticket.
However, it hurts, then, when you place all your eggs in this basket and that basket realizes it needs to discover itself, prioritize itself, and no longer be your support. Of course, they haven't done anything wrong in deciding to do so, but now be reminded that you have returned to: "the creep".
(Note: Perhaps if I am right that many men feel this way too, then we're all aggressively pursuing to attain this status. It follows women, indeed, ought to have their 'creep radars' on.)
The Distant Dad
All this together, I think it's illustrative to look at our dads. How many of us have a dad who is a bit aloof. Who doesn't talk about his feelings and only favours talking about his work or your schoolwork. Perhaps he wasn't always like this. Perhaps, I suggest, he became like this because he came to realize that we only value him for his service; For his supporting us, for his income, for feeding us, and for his dedication to his work and his family. Perhaps he came to realize that no one cared for him, for his hurt and struggle. For his desire to feel fulfilled. Perhaps when he tried to communicate these in the past his efforts only ever served to alienate his friends, prevent him from being an attractive mate, and lower the likelihood for him to have someone to be around.
Perhaps he came to feel like he was not valuable if he wasn't serving.
And like the rest of him, then, doesn't matter.
Maybe that's why we're all so lonely.
As I went to university, this largely changed. It's difficult to put any of these in order or pinpoint when exactly they happened. Alas, here are broadly some observations I've made regarding my metamorphosis into a 'man'.
The Creep
As a someone who courted then dated the same girl more or less since high school, women's change in attitude towards me largely went unnoticed until this relationship ended. What I hadn't realized is that between high-school and university I had become a creep. I experienced several rejections where my desires to seek friendships with women after breaking up was met with cold rejection, ignoring shoulders, and a general unwillingness to reciprocate effort. What I eventually learned is that 20-some women are constantly bombarded by men who shower attention on them, support them, and listen to them. It makes a lot of sense for these women to eventually stop trying to actively reciprocate - to text first, to check in on, to support, and the rest - for they are being chased anyways. Additionally, doing so signals to men who never receive this sort of attention that the woman is interested in them; after all, none of their female friends ever did that. (This doesn't mention how the bar of trust/closeness to engage in emotional vulnerability in inter-female relationships seems so much lower than any relationship a man might have, so she may yet easily attain more emotional support, and thus not need to pursue it.)
Unfortunately, women getting chased all of the time means that they persistently have a radar on: a creep radar. What I now learned is that being openly interested in a woman, for who she is and even in just looking for a friend, is now easily interpreted as being a creep. Texting a woman twice before she responds, asking her again to get coffee as when you asked the first time she said she already had plans (and so now naturally you're trying to find another time that works - except, as I came to learn "take the hint"). The hint: I'm not interested; if you don't get that, you're a creep.
What's difficult is to distinguish between women who like you but just aren't trying because they don't need to actively reciprocate to get support and those who don't want to see you anymore.
The Entertainer. The Rock. The breadwinner.
Moving beyond the world of inter-gender friendships is the dating world. Entering newly as a 22 year old, I began to feel expectations. "Hey" as a first text is a none starter; you have to come off as interesting. Follow up with things that make her laugh, don't try to get to know her in earnest first. She has 99+ potential matches in the last 24 hours. You have one in the same time. You need to catch her attention, be interesting, entertain her. You are a tool for her pleasure - because if it's not you, some one else will be. This isn't at all about you or your qualities; that you have certain interests your passionate about, that there are subjects you love to debate, that you love some sport in common. It is about your ability to entertain and please. Let it be said, the same reason many women on tinder get an ego boost - the showering praise, attention, plentiful suitors - is why men experience an ego dearth.
Perhaps, yet, a girl is now interested in you. Now is the time for you to check some boxes before you can move on to being seriously eligible to court her; that is, as historically there have been gendered expectations of women (which have been rightfully rebuked in the last half-century, even as yet they persist), there have also been gendered expectations of men. However, the dating world seems to find many of those less problematic, and many seem to still hold water amongst many women.
Amongst these, specifically, include, the man having a passion, and better a lucrative one. That the man has his career charted (even as many of the women are very unsure of their own career path). That the man be emotionally stable, mature, and willing to support (even as many women do not implicitly need to have the ability (or desire) to emotionally support the man).
I would confess that many of these traits are good in a partner. Indeed, many I want in a woman. The difference lies in that it is not an expectation for a woman. Subsequently, that these traits are not desired in men because they make him more compatible with her or highlight his personality - it is not about him. The problem is the attitude that these traits are good because they better serve the woman and her interests - that the man exists to serve: To entertain, to be her rock, to be a breadwinner.
The Secure yet Sensitive Expectation
Perhaps now you have entered a friendship with a woman - now you may find the secure-yet-sensitive expectation. You must be secure in yourself, sure of yourself, be their rock, support them, and be emotionally available and competent (sensitive). However, you, like me, may find yourself accustomed to supporting and always being there for them, but find she does not know how to do that for you; alas, perhaps she never had to before, as all her previous engagement with men were one sided - she never had to try before. Whatever the reason, what seems to resonate with many men is the loneliness and lacking of deep, supportive friendships. (Male relationships addressed in a moment)
The Fear to Share your Feelings
I remember growing up not understanding why it was that so many men I saw appeared aloof and guarded. I propose now that this may come from a fear of sharing their feelings.
I started feeling this when I began to feel like none of my peers cared about me. This felt especially true for any of my female friends. Although I existed in the world, it felt no one cared that I was there. No longer did any one reach out to me. No longer was I invited to events. The reality I came faced with was that if I did not send a text, I would not receive one. If I did not invite someone to get coffee or go to dinner, then neither would happen. In such a position of not feeling cared for grew the feeling of an expectation to be content and humorous; for not doing so would lower your chance of being able to see that person again at all. That they join the crowd of people who are always to busy to see you.
What about the male friendships: the "bromance". Amongst these relationships grew the problem of expression. Increasingly these friendships became 'side-by-side'. Friendships where the support afforded was expressed not by talking emotions but by doing something. Friendships where perhaps you may silently sit next to each other in a sauna or where vulnerable moments are quickly extinguished with a joke. Friendships where you work on a project and share in that you both are stressed, but where the conversation steers away from vulnerability and love.
Simply put, with either gender, the relationships I found myself able to create were not ones of a shoulder to cry on.
The Relationship Solution
I ought to recognize the solution many men find themselves turning to for this shoulder - their significant others. Indeed, my last period of true happiness was importantly marked by a relationship and a person I loved and trusted. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this should be the last phase outlined here - the golden ticket.
However, it hurts, then, when you place all your eggs in this basket and that basket realizes it needs to discover itself, prioritize itself, and no longer be your support. Of course, they haven't done anything wrong in deciding to do so, but now be reminded that you have returned to: "the creep".
(Note: Perhaps if I am right that many men feel this way too, then we're all aggressively pursuing to attain this status. It follows women, indeed, ought to have their 'creep radars' on.)
The Distant Dad
All this together, I think it's illustrative to look at our dads. How many of us have a dad who is a bit aloof. Who doesn't talk about his feelings and only favours talking about his work or your schoolwork. Perhaps he wasn't always like this. Perhaps, I suggest, he became like this because he came to realize that we only value him for his service; For his supporting us, for his income, for feeding us, and for his dedication to his work and his family. Perhaps he came to realize that no one cared for him, for his hurt and struggle. For his desire to feel fulfilled. Perhaps when he tried to communicate these in the past his efforts only ever served to alienate his friends, prevent him from being an attractive mate, and lower the likelihood for him to have someone to be around.
Perhaps he came to feel like he was not valuable if he wasn't serving.
And like the rest of him, then, doesn't matter.
Maybe that's why we're all so lonely.
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